I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
