whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
