apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
