im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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