My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
