I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
