If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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