please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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