I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
