there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
