When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
