have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
