Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
