and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
