Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
