I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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