He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
