I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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