I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
