I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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