Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
