He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
