My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
