your parents love me but you hate me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
