I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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