Me. At least after what I've been through.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
