Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
