Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Randomize
