the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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