I look better un-naked...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
