Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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