I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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