my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
