it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
is wine microwaveable?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
