then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
