He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
