went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
even my farts smell like vagina
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
