is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
