Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I can text with my tongue
It's like God shit irony all over that family
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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