Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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