fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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