The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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