My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
