i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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