Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
