break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
