my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
