I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
