i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
