I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
